2-3 seconds

Recently I learned that the average dream lasts 2-3 seconds, but I know from experience they feel like reality and it made me think...if we could really live in the moment...how long would life feel? Now this could be a good thing I think, or really bad (if I'm stuck at work experiencing every moment), but even so, last night I was lying in bed quietly, meditating and my mind drifted from thought to thought, and it felt amazing, and then I looked at the clock and it had only been 3 minutes. It's amazing how refreshing even a few minutes of peace and quiet can be.

Since reading The Golden Compass I have been obsessed with the idea that worlds split upon making a decision and that there could be millions of universes existing simultaneously. What I've been mulling over is the me that would be now if I hadn't experienced the move to Yakima. In my idealistic mind I think back to the 'good ol' days' where I didn't know what fashion was, and had friends who accepted me for who I was, in contrast to the move across the mountains where suddenly I realized that what shoes I wore matter (and even then, I didn't buy the RIGHT pair of Docs), or the feeling that I had to change in order to fit in. A few days ago I thought that the answer was that Yakima ruined me, that I would be a fully integrated adult if I had not moved, but I have come to a much more acceptable happy medium now. Because I think the move served a purpose, to break me out of my shell, but also I wonder now who I would be if I would have stayed. I was sheltered and afraid, and in Yakima I got to be confrtoned with culture shock.

But I can't forget that twelve year old self, that loved life and wasn't afraid to be herself. I didn't need tons of friends if it meant sacrificing who I was. I wasn't afraid to be sensitive, which is something I'm trying to re-learn. And it's sort of a neat process for me, because as an adult I can choose the things I want to keep about myself, choose the things I don't, and take ownership in who I become rather than simply laying back and abdicating my own authority to others.

Thought I'm re-learning this sensitivity, I've noticed, too, that my Fool/Clown archetype is hitting back even stronger. In fact, I've already begun a reputation at school as the 'funny' one. Of course I am funny (at least to myself), but is this the image I want to portray in the counseling program? I want to be taken seriously, and yet, I do enjoy laughter...

I'm off to school now since the apartment next door is leaking paint smell into my apartment and I'm feeling sorta high...

Shanti