Don't Hold Your Breath

"Don't hold your breath," is a phrase I grew up hearing. It ran in the same circles as "don't get your hopes up," and "there are starving children in India, so finish your dinner." I always thought the phrase meant not to get too excited about something ala not getting your hopes up (which is a phrase I took too to heart for a long time), but yesterday I noticed a shift, a way of looking at the phrase differently than I had previously.

I have been noticing and focusing on my breath and breathwork in general for awhile now. And yesterday, as I was lying on a massage table (with a cat companion nestled at my feet), I was noticing my breath. Courtney asks me to take deep breaths during the massage, especially when she's working on a particular area. So I was thoughtfully noticing when I don't breathe...when I hold my breath (which is contrary to the advice in 'don't hold your breath.')

I came to two conclusions. 1) I hold my breath in anticipation of pain. When I sense she's getting close to a spot that might hurt, I hold my breath, as if that tensing or tightening and restriction would somehow divert her hands to a less tender spot and help me avoid confronting the source of my tension. This goes for more areas than just in my massage...I hold my breath, in a failed attempt at bargaining...to keep the pain at bay. Of course it doesn't work, but for a moment it gives me a sense of a little bit of control, though my muscles are much tighter afterward... 2) I hold my breath when I am trying to prolong the pleasure. Sometimes a spot feels so good when it's touched, and in an attempt to not miss out on any aspect of the goodness, I hold my breath. It's as though I could make that moment last forever if I just stay completely still and absent of breathing. Rather than truly, fully experiencing the moment, I'm worried about it fleeing, which is also about control, and in effect I lose out on the power of really experiencing the moment.

So, for today I will try not to hold my breath...I will embrace and ride the waves of both pleasure and pain...

Soul Loss

For awhile now I have been interested in the concept of soul loss (and subsequently the shamanic process of soul retrieval) and how it related to dissociation through trauma. People often say "I lost a little piece of me," when they dated someone and broke up, or some other situation. Sometimes I feel like I sacrifice a piece of me when I don't hold true to my values and am swayed by my peers, or get swept up into behavior that I believe I wouldn't normally do in other circumstances. I feel like all of these little soul losses really affect me as a person...that who I'd be now is very different (perhaps better, perhaps worse) than the person I am...and that looking back there are definitely different lessons that I can learn from all of these little traumas.

So this summer I am enrolled in a Loss & Grief counseling class, and one of our assignments is to complete a project that gives form to some personal loss or grieving experience. When I learned what our assignment was, I decided that I would do an art project...and what better project than Soul Collage? I find it fitting to represent aspects of my soul with aspects that I believe I have lost, or that have changed me. They are there, even if they aren't integrated. These bits of my soul that have left for whatever reason are still connected to me in a very real way.

I have spent the last two days working on these Soul Collage cards, and these are what I have come up with:


The loss of the "who I could have been," if my story had begun differently...or if Elisa had taken route B instead of route A...


The young teenager I left behind when I moved to Yakima. This bit of my soul believed in elves and fairies and talked to animals while walking outside.

When you lose yourself in dysfunctional and overbearing romantic relationships. When you forget you are whole, 100% as a person and begin to believe the lie that you are less-than-worthy.


Friends who leave footprints on our hearts, but because of my inability to communicate, are lost to the "we can't go back" and change it moments in life.


Leaving the small conservative flock to embrace the truth of what I really believe.


I know I have a lot more writing to do to get to the depth of these cards, but I have felt that this is a good start on my project!

Iranian Protest

I am obsessed with this photo, which I found on CNN.



I'm not exactly sure why it evokes so much emotion in me, but I can't help but stare at these powerful women in awe. It evokes memories of how I felt the first time I saw this photo, in National Geographic:



There is something so powerfully fierce and feminine in these women which resonates in me. I wish I could embody the fierceness and the feminine inside my own soul.

I am "In" this photo

Courtney, of http://oriart.blogspot.com/ challenged us to: find yourself in a photo you've taken. The catch: you are not actually (physically) in the photo at all. Feel free to post in the comments box and link to your photo w/a statement of how you are "in" the photo.




(click to enlarge)


I am the line between color and black and white.
I am the kiss between fog and ocean waves.
I am that gull, standing alone not swayed easily by the flighty crowd.

Truth

It feels SO good to be able to stand in front of my peers and speak MY truth...and the truth of my adopted friends. The feedback I got from the presentation tonight was awesome...they all came away understanding that adoption is based on loss for all of those involved...

I am on cloud 9.

Past, Present, Future

Though he doesn't understand it all, he knows how important it is to me...so he framed and hung my artwork in our hallway.

Divine Feminine

Recently I joined a meetup group called "A Woman's Spiritual Pursuit," and attended Tuesday night for the first time, as the topic was Soul Collage.

Soul Collage is a "simple creative process used to explore the depth of your soul." In the process you engage "your intuition and imagination" by using "images and personal symbols to create a powerful deck of cards that tap into your inner guidance." The process is not new to me, as I use my intuition in creating art, and have even done some pieces with different archetypes, but the focused intentionality of this workshop was awesome.

We began with an exercise, picking an image that spoke to us, and gave it voice by speaking as the image, saying "I am the one who..." What I loved about this process is it accessed parts of myself that I don't often give voice...and it is something that I know I'd be able to use with clients in the future. A form of narrative therapy is to externalize problems, so rather than saying "I AM depressed," we say "I have depression," or "depression has me." If we are not the same as depression we can separate these parts out and have them talk to each other.

I dare you to try it. Be it anger or depression or simply an image ripped out of a magazine, they are parts and parcels of us, and we can give them voices.

So tonight's intention was to creat a card that represented our divine feminine, and this is what I created:

When journalling my responses, this is what came up:

I am the one who is with you in every stage of your life.
I am the one who provides passion and security, and takes care of you in your quietest moments.

What I have to give you is permission to be yourself, groundedness, and the ability to embrace what comes about.

What I want from you is nurturing acceptance, a place to call home, and recognition in even the smallest tasks.

When we had all finished the process of making our card, we met back as a group and shared our pieces. We then did a group reading, where we drew random cards and asked a group question and let the same process flow through us as we all went around the room answering the question, by giving voice to the card we had drawn.

Our questions were:
How do we embrace the presence of the feminine and how do we bring balance between the masculine and feminine in our lives?

You embrace the presence of the feminine by:
Taking time to nurture yourself, feel softness, warmth, your spirituality through every life phase from birth to death.
By tending to our souls fire by allowing ourselves to bloom, by opening the pages of the mystery.
By letting down our hair, being playful, sincere, opening ourselves to our sensuality, sensitivity, love and playfulness.
Through being sexy, being strong, but soft.
Embracing, nurturing ourselves and others to open our minds to infinite possibilities to be who we want to be in the moment.
Shutting our eyes, throwing our heads back and letting the freedom move us in any way it wishes.
By living fully in the present and seeing beauty in all things.

You bring balance between masculine and feminine by:
Staying centered and being able to be soft and strong and being comfortable in those spaces.
By putting ground under our feet and allowing the air to support us.
By being playful and sincere.
By relaxing and allowing yourself to float through life taking time to smell the flowers.
Let the light in when we feel dark. Complimenting small things with big things.
Feeling the ground beneath us in quiet moments. Recognizing that the balance already is.
By risking vulnerability.


For more information on Soul Collage