Cancer

I once told her that she had to live until she was no longer needed, and that she would have to live forever, because I would always need her.

Tonight I learned that she, my grandma, my "best friend over 67" has breast cancer.

Cancer.

Cancer.

All I can think of is Carolyn Myss's Anatomy of the Spirit and how it talks so much about cancer and energy and how relationships can contribute to physical diseases. I know in my gut that the cancerous relationships in my family are contributing to her health and I, on the outside of the dysfunction (to a degree I suppose) have no power to change this.

Except my own personal forgiveness for the rift I've felt since an incident where she took my uncle's side. That betrayal shattered much of my trust, and it makes me sad. Sad for the time we've lost together. Sad that she might not be around to see ME have kids. She's a great grandma already and I think "but what about me? what about my kids? they should get to know their ggrandma too!"

It's early and with a lack of information about the extensiveness of the cancer I can't jump to conclusions.

But I think it's bad, and I'm not ready to lose her.

She's still needed, you know?